Strength in Pain

There are two ways you can deal with pain whether it be emotional or physical.  You can find strength in pain or you will find weakness in pain.  I learned this at an early age and I'm not talking about the pain you get from skinning you knee.  When I was 17 I watch my best friend take his final breath and I didn't know it at the time but looking back that was the first time I truly felt pain.  It has been almost exactly 10 years since Ryan passed away and I've been thinking about him a lot lately.  As we humans do, especially me, I had to learn the hard way on how to deal with the pain I was feeling.

I tried to be the strong one.  I didn't know what the fuck that meant at the time and I still have trouble understanding someone when they tell you to stay strong during a traumatic situation.  I guess it's just something people say because there really aren't any words to satisfy your sadness.  I had to learn how to deal with the pain I felt from losing someone I loved and related to so well.  Ryan was one of the first people I could be completely honest with.  He totally understood me.  After he died I felt weak, I felt depressed, I felt lonely, and needed something to fill the void life leaves you.  I started drinking a lot and experimenting with drugs.  I'd black out at a party and wake up at the cemetery, my truck parked against a tree.  This went on for years and I simply couldn't get over it and thought I never would.  In some ways I haven't.

The older I get the more emotionally callused I become.  Steph tells me this sometimes because I never cry.  I don't like the idea of having no emotion so I really started thinking of the reasons why I am so emotionally detached.  The revelation hit me 5 months ago when my brother was dying in the hospital.  It was the first time in years I had felt pain.  Real pain, not the type you feel from skinning your knee.  The difference this time was I didn't deal with it by using drugs and alcohol.  I tried to deal with it in a more positive way.  I pushed myself harder and harder at the gym.  I tried to think about my brother and how strong he really is and how I don't want to be weak.  I want to be strong like my big brother.  The emotional pain had to be converted into strength or life would get the better hand and I'd become weak.  And who the hell wants to be weak?  The only way I know how to deal with pain now is to turn it into strength.  Just like at the gym, the harder you push, the more pain you feel, the stronger you become.   I realized that I'm not emotionally detached or callused at all........I'm stronger.

Maybe that's what life is all about.  The learning curve of dealing with situations and changing the way you react in times of trouble.  Funny how you go through the motions and don't understand how or why you are acting the way you are until you look back and see what path you took.